Hi Figureteers!

I do not usually write about these thing, but this is something I think I have to get off my chest?

I know that some of you have been in the military and that some of you have been in combat or at least harms way.

Here in Sweden we have had a conscript army for a very long time and I did my first basic training 85-86, in total 11 months. I was a driver in the Signal Corpes, stationed in the far north of Sweden often within the artic circle.

Although Sweden have lived in peace for about 200 years there are, or at least used to be quite a few accidents during the military service. There was not uncommon that about 3-5 guy where killed each year during service in different accidents. Many caused by lack of sleep or no respect for loaded weapons.

During an exercise at the beginning of 1986, I myself was involved in an accident. I was riding shotgun in a truck going down a hill. It is a poorly plowed road and close to 30 degrees below zero. Hill ends in a curve and when we get closer we see that we will meet another vehicle in this narrow road which is more of trail in the woods. The other vehicle is a smaller car in the size of a van. This vehicle is out of control and also enters into the curve skidding with the side towards us.

The collision is inevitable but we in the truck comes out of it pretty ok . just merely a little shaken, and our truck ends up in the ditch. Unfortunately, the same does not apply to our comrades in the other car. I open the side door of the car and out comes a guy who is shocked, snowcamoflage blouse is drenched with blood coming from a hole in his head. One can actually see a dark hole in his forehead. I give him first aid place him in the recovery position with a blanket over him. Two others in the car is in shock but relatively unharmed. The fifth one is a little less shocked and we send him to fetch help that is available in the base camp about 4km away. This was in those days before cellphones.

The worst hit of the impact is taken by the driver, a nice and very welliked guy, the rod of the steering wheel have received a proper dent and have been pushed backward This has resulted in breaking his kneecaps and pinning him in the drivers seat making it impossible to get him out of the vehicle. He is conscious the whole time and screaming as well crying from the pain.

We try to dislodge him by using our jacks and crowbars, standard vehicle equipment, but nothing works. A few times we manage to relieve the pressure from his legs only to have the jacks slip away or going through the sheet metal. We are doing this for about 80 minutes until help arrives from the base camp. But not even they can do nothing more than relieve some of the pain giving the driver morphine and get the other three into a warm truck. After another half an hour, the civilian firebrigade arrives, they cut him loose in a few minutes and an ambulance drives the two of them to the nearest hospital, 120km away. I'm coming along to assist and inform their relatives. No one died, all but the driver recovered fully. The driver is also okay but could not have carrer in sport if you know what I mean?

Today I went with a bunch of other modelbuilders to look at re-opening of a museum with military vehicles. This very type of car was among vehicles, and I began to tell a friend what I have just told you. I've done it a few times before without any problems. But this time when I saw the rod of the steering wheel and the pedals, something happened. My voice stocked, I got a lump in my throat and was close to tears. I had to cut off the story short and walk away from there.

Several hours later, I told about this incident to my spouse because I thought it was strange, have never experienced this before. The same thing happened again, and to some extent even as I write this.

I understand that this could be some form of post-traumatic stress syndrome or similar and hope that it will be better if I ventilate it. Have some patience with me.

Perhaps some of you have similar experiences and have some advices?

Cheers
Janne Nilsson

Time.....it just takes time. There will be times when something will bring it all back as if it just happened. No telling what it is or when it will happen. We just gotta suck it up. I know, that was a shitty thing to say and even more so, shitty advice....but it's true. We just gotta suck it up......

Jim Patrick

Janne,
Repressed emotions can linger for a long time. They are hidden deep within our subconcious and are kept safely tucked away. Depending on the situation, and what the response was at the time of the action what popped up years later, is no doubt the emotional reaction that was repressed back then. When it becomes harmful is when it is continually repressed and there is no outlet for it. Or the outlet is redirected. Military, people in bad accidents, abuse, close calls, emotional upheavel, all are things that if stymied and buried have no where to go. By sharing things like that with trusted friends that understand or in therapy or finding an outlet that the "pressure valve" is slowly released and gradually allowed to burn off pent up emotions, guilt, thoughts etc it becomes easier and it's let go. Much like vivid memories of childhood can be happily recalled by a smell, a song, seeing something on tv or bad experiences can be brought to the surface and relived its important to deal with it rather than try and suppress it again. Many times there is no cure only a better and more aware means of dealing with it. Its why you'll hear stories of guys in combat going through a fire fight or someone walking away from a horrible accident and they are fine till its over, then they'll break down as a release to the event. Guys, in our effort to remain macho and tough will try and keep the stiff upper lip, but women are told to "let it all go, cry it out, it will be ok..." to our detriment and their quick healing, recovery and dealing with it.

Janne thanks for sharing your story, it is not easy to share something traumatic with others but in doing so it will help you deal with it, it will never go away but it will be easier to cope with.

I think coming into contact with the vehicle took you back emotionally to the episode, even though you have told the story previously the fact you were physically at the same type of vehicle would have been a strong connection with the event, when we tell the story it can sometimes be that ` a story` as if we were not physically involved, that changed that day with the inclusion of the actual vehicle.

I lost my best friend in 1987 while he was doing a favour for me, he was shot and killed, I am able to talk OK about it today but it took many years and I dare say if I was to return to the jungle those emotions would be very severe. I think about that incident at least a couple of times a month and relive trying to revive him and probably will until I die but it has got easier with talking about it.

Wishing you the best Janne,

Steve

P.s I feel my throat lumping now, 24 years later.

Touching story Janne. I can't offer any advice but only to point out the fact that after these years the emotion that you experienced demonstrates you are a feeling human being.

Janne,

Can certainly sympathize with you, but can only tell you what (personally) works for me. Now retired (5 years) from a 21 year career in Federal Law Enforcement, I have dreams of the 'bad guys' coming in my house and doing harm to me. Vivid dreams indeed that are more like nightmares. So scary that if I'm not too tired, will get up and check that the doors and windows are locked in the house. If too tired, then 'pray' myself back to sleep. That is what works for me, praying the "inner demons" away. Like I said, "works for me".
Take care and will be praying for you my friend.

alex wence

Thank you all for taking the time to read and sharing your experiences. This helps a lot. I think the reason I made the post is that I needed some input and I thought this was the place given the many visitors with military background or similar.

I guess that many of you have been in worse situations on a more regular basis. What confuses me is that it took so long time, but thinking of it I might have told this story as in a third person perspective earlier and as Steve was into, the sight of the vehicle in question brought me back 25 years in time. Also I have never had such emotional attack before? I note that it was a very specific angle looking at the rod of the steering wheel and the pedals that did it. I could actually see myself working with the jack to push the rod away as it slipped out of position, which it did many times.

Also I remember the frustration over that despite all our efforts we where not able to pull him loose out of the vehicle. Later on, the firemen told that it was almost impossible to do given the tools and experience we had. This combined with his screaming and crying might have caused a lot of stress.

As I followed in the ambulance the situation was pretty rushed, but I hold on to my submachine gun and brought it with me. I guess everyone that has made military service knows how important it is not to loose your weapon. Here some conscripts have actually been sentenced to jail for loosing it. So I spent the night lying on a bench in the waitingroom at the hospital with the submachinegun in my arms while waiting for the first report on the wounded and the morning to call their relatives.
The next day they drove me back into the wilderness.

So I think I never had the chance to let it go in this case. I been in another accidents as involved, witness and passerby and afterwards when needed I have let it go. Or gotten the shakes as I call it. It is a strange feeling when things like that happen, when you start seeing the event in slow motion, you get that cold feel in the back of the neck and somehow you know exactly what to do? Then later, when safe, the fear and emotions comes?

Actually this feels much better after putting some thoughts on the forum and reading your replies and experiences. I think I will try Carls approach next time a go to that museum.

I also feel symphaty for your crosses that you have to bear.
It must be very frighting to wake up in the middle of the night fearing for your familys safety, like Alex for example.

Jim, shitty advice or not, you know I apreciate your direct approach.

All the best.
Janne Nilsson

That's the method. I personally made the experience that writing is better than talking. Maybe you have to think more deeply about when ypu have to write instead talking.
I had not been with the army, but instead I took a 10-years-concriptmend to the civil defence. Luckily I never had a operation with that, but to get my yearly hours and to stay in training, I made a paramedic training and drove an ambulance. I was busy in a 500.000-community and I think I saw everything you could see in this job. But what I could not get out of my system was a exploded house direct within the city. 6 died and several where injured. What nailed me down was that 2 of them had been alive around 10 minutes before they where found. My problem was that I feld somewhat guilty as the method used was wrong: The firebrigade ( I was in the ambulance's operational control with the job of some sort of handy man, driver, radio operator etc) worked very fast - but without any break. I remembered the WWII's methods much too late : Make a break every 10 minutes and listen.
The operational area was too loud, it was in the night, generators, cranes, anything was making noise. I did not realise that. It was not my task, the complete control was in the hands of the fire brigade, but I felt guilty for years. Then I wrote it down, from the very beginning of the operation when I was phoned at home. I wrote everything down, coldness, any feelings, everything. After that I gave it only one person to read, my best friend, which was there also. And it worked. What has bothered me for years had nearly completed gone. So all I could say: Write it down in every detail. It helps, reallly.

H

Thank you Hans for sharing your experiences.

I do agree that after writing down and discussing this it feels much better. Also as I was down to earlier to main part of my deal is the frustration not being able to make a difference under this accident. Still puzzles me that it strikes after almost exactly 25 years?

Grüsse
Janne Nilsson

Hej Janne,
in my very private theory you don't forget anything. You just loose the connections. A small hint, a smell, a feeling which is similiar - all this could raise your memory. You may forget some details, but you don't forget the feelings. Especially when there is something still 'open'. And there is no time limit. 25 years, what's that....my first dramatic operations with the ambulance service where in 1976 and I still can remember my feelings. Try to find out, what you did NOT 25 years ago. You had a lot of fear? You wanted to weep? You got angry? You feld guilty? You got angry about the victim because he did that to you? Don't hesitate to think such thoughts, find it out, write it down. Express your feelings, remember the smell, remember the cold, remember you helplessness. Swear to the fire brigade why the took so long, don't rationalize it (....äh...winter....streets are icy....).
It really helps, believe me. Or built a diorame, no kidding. And if all this does not helpand it will steel your nights, don't hesitate to contact a professional.

Manga hälsningar,
Hans

After reading Jannes story I could not help but be reminded of something that happened to me when I was in the British Army in 1986. I have changed some names as I dont want anyone upset in case they knew the people.
I was a Postie in the Army and wore the Royal Engineers capbadge at that time. They now wear the Royal Logistics badge but that is another story.
In 1986 I was at the main Postie barracks at Mill Hill in London. I was a Lance-Corporal at the time and was there to take my Junior NCOs Cadre course. Apart from myself there were about 15 other Lance Jacks, two of which were friends of mine, Paul Smith and Mike Jones.
One night we were all in our 4 man rooms doing usual Army chores such as cleaning and ironing. I was in the same room as Mike and Paul and I was actually ironing and was listening to a radio owned by Mike. It was the usual ghetto blaster type radio of the time. As I ironed, one of the other lads told me to turn off the radio for some forgotten reason. I went over to the radio and saw that it wasnt plugged in. I switched it off at the front and then tried to turn it back on again. It did not work. I opened up the back to see if there were any batteries inside and there wasnt. I kept this to myself as I thought it very strange at the time and did not want the piss taken out of me.
After the Cadre was over Paul Smith went to Germany and Mike Jones went to Ireland. I stayed at Mill Hill where I was given a single room to myself. As I cleaned this room I found one of those old photos that you used to have taken in a photo booth, I am sure you remember what I mean, and on the black and white photos were Paul and Mike together. I wish that I had kept them but I just tossed them in the bin. A couple of weeks after that I learnt that Paul had been on exercise in Germany and while carrying out the duties of a despatch rider had crashed into the side of an armoured personnel carrier at night, killing him immediately. Very soon after that I heard that Mike, whilst in the back of a mail van in Ireland, had been involved in an accident with a lorry and Mike had been flung into the cage seperating the rear to the cab and had broken his neck, killing him too.
This was only a month or so after the Cadre course and I often wonder if the radio was trying to tell me something as it belonged to MIke. I also wish that I had kept that photo of my two friends, who died around the same time.
Life is a strange thing.