Priceless!

Glasgow audiences famously don't take prisoners, particularly comics. An old favourite story amongst many is.... (as recounted by Billy Connelly and Johnie Beattie)
Mike and Bernie Winters joined the ranks of those crucified at the Glasgow Empire in their debut performance.
Their act always started with Mike springing on to the stage to play a zippy number on his clarinet. After a couple of minutes, Bernie's cheeky face would peek through the centre curtains.
But from the Glasgow audience came the cry "Christ, there's two of 'em".
The reason is simple EVERYONE in Glasgow thinks they're a comic. Of course it's not just Glasgow don't forget Liverpool and Newcastle.
Kirk Douglas´s lesser-known son Eric was in the UK a few years ago, trying to make his mark in stand-up comedy. He was going down badly, so grabbed the mic and said: "What´s wrong with you? Don´t you know who I am? I´m the son of Kirk Douglas!"
There was absolute silence, then someone at the back stood up and said: "No - I´m the son of Kirk Douglas!"
Followed within seconds by the whole audience .
Derek

My God! You people! Didn't you know that, in Africa, every 60 seconds a whole minute passes by? ffs

Bono!!!! If he was made of chocolate he'd eat himself.
Brian

I saw Jimmy Carr life quite a while ago and he told a joke saying the exact same thing as the alleged Scotsman.
Alex.

Yeh me too, I remember some Spanish guys doing that one in the eleventh century.

I thought I had been around a while but the "11th Century " Bu--er you guys been here forever

Ron

Oh that one! A crusader turns to his mate and says 'every time I clap my hands a Moor dies' great says his mate 'Let's Flamenco'

Del

Ah, I remember that night with a passion. I broke the heal on my 2.5 inch cuban boot and had to walk home with one foot on the pavement and the other in the gutter. It was a tad like the Jocks invasion of Euromilitaire 2012

How did you know we were in the gutter well one of us was flat on his ass that's for sure said it was just a dizzy turn

Bertorelli the jock

I just put two and two together Ron;
Band of Jocks (plus Italian Jock), coming down from high altitude and drinking cheap Sassenach whisky = just a dizzy turn.
Cheers,
Keith