Today some satire ...:

The black day of the German army ...!


According to General Ludendorff, August 8, 1918, on which the Western Allies won an important victory over the Imperial German troops in the Battle of Amiens, has been called "the black day of the German Army".

Well, one will have to rethink, because this day, which I am now reporting on, is much worse.

Here you can read how it all began ...:

Location: Federal Ministry of Defense, Hardthöhe near Bonn, Minister's office
Date: April 6, 2021
Time: in the morning, 8:30 a.m.

Federal Defense Minister Annegret Kramp-Karrenbauer enters her office with a flourish.

"Morning Schulz!" she welcomes her personal adjutant, Lieutenant Colonel Henning Schulz.

"Good morning, Madam Minister!"

The Minister is affable today:

"Well, Schulz, how did you spend yesterday evening ...?" raises it, but before he can answer, a melody sounds through the room:

"Always practice faithful and honesty ..." sounds the chimes of the old Potsdam garrison church.

"Telephone, Madam Minister!"

"Thanks Schulz!"

"Office of the minister ..." reports Schulz and passes the receiver on to Annegret Kramp-Karrenbauer.

She hurriedly covers the mouthpiece with her hand and hisses:

"Whoisthere?"

"Selenski, Madam Minister. Calling from Kiev."

Another hissing: "Whatdoeshewant?"

"I have no idea, Madam Minister, sounds very excited," replies Schulz.

With a sigh, the minister brings the receiver to her ear:

"Kramp-Karrenbauer here!"

Immediately afterwards a loud voice comes from the device.

"Schulz!"

"Madam Minister ...?"

"I don't understand a word, what is he saying ...?"

"That is probably Ukrainian, Madam Minister."

"I can not speak that!"

"Can't President Selenski speak English too?"

"I can't either. Take care of that, Schulz!"

The adjutant picks up the phone, answers in English, listens to the torrent of words, tries every now and then to reply, but is yelled down every time. The conversation finally ends.

"And Schulz? What does he want?"

The adjutant is bathed in sweat:

"If I understood correctly, President Selenski thanked you profusely, Madam Minister!"

"Oh what! What for?"

"He said that he had always known that he could rely on his German friends and that he and the whole Ukrainian people were happy that German military aid had finally started and that he had ordered the German advance command to do the Arrived in Kiev two hours ago to organize a parade through the city, which turned into a spontaneous triumphal procession and ... "

"Huh ...?"

"That's exactly what he said, Madam Minister!"

"Rrrrrriiiinnnng!" - an ugly, high-pitched ringing echoes through the minister's office.

"Madam Minister, the red phone, the tap-proof ...!"

The minister picks up the phone:

"From Kramp-Karren ..."

"Shut up! Switch on the television, Annegret!"

"Good morning too, dear Angela, I just wanted to ..."

"Switch it on! Who screwed it up?"

Adjutant Schulz has meanwhile switched on the television and set it to silent. They can see an airport, in the background there is an old "Transall" transport plane of the Bundeswehr.

In front of it, a visibly enthusiastic crowd surmounts, carrying an apparently violently defending Bundeswehr lieutenant on their shoulders.

Behind it, a "Fennek" armored car rolls at walking pace, on which five other Bundeswehr soldiers crouch. They look completely baffled.
One of them - apparently more cheeky than his comrades - waves with both arms, fingers spread to the "V" victory sign.

"Annegret, what a mess is this! What are MY soldiers doing in Kiev?"

"Honestly Angela, I don't know! We just wanted to ..."

"Fix this bullshit straight away, Annegret! The Maas, the Seehofer and the Esken are giving me hell! That has to stop and now! Otherwise you have been minister for the longest time!"

Crack! The conversation is interrupted.

"Schulz - do you know anything about it?"

Meanwhile, the adjutant speaks softly and imploringly into his cell phone.

"Schulz !!! I'm talking to you !!!"

"Äääh, yes, Madam Minister, sorry, Madam Minister! We were able to identify the license plate number of the "Transall". It belongs to the Air Transport Squadron 62 in Wunstorf..

"Call! Immediately"

The adjutant does as he is told.

"Creutzfeld-Jacob barracks, gate guard, Unteroffizier Eckenbrecher on the phone", it purrs from the receiver.

"This is the office of the Federal Minister of Defense, Lieutenant Colonel Schulz. I'll hand over to Mrs. ..."

"Yes, yes little one, I can fool myself! - toot... toot ... toot ..."

"And...?"

"He ... he just hung up, Minister. Unheard of!"

"Try again!"

"Creutzfeld-Jacob barracks, gate guard, Oberfeldwebel Eckenbrecher on the line."

Schulz (screaming): "This is really Minister Kramp-Karrenbauer's adjutant, you idiot! I'll hand it over to the Minister."

"Here Kramp-Karrenbauer. Unteroffizier, do you recognize my voice?"

"Oha! Hrrmmmpfff. Yes, Madam. Minister! Voice recognized without a doubt, Madam Minister! Madam Minister must excuse me, here is the shit on dam ... uh, the devil is going on!"

"Unteroffizier, is that supposed to be a proper report?"

"Yes, Madam Minister. I mean no, Madam Minister! It's just that we miss a plane ..."

"An airplane, Unteroffizier? What kind of airplane?"

"A Transall Madam Minister! Started nine hours ago and has been overdue since then, Madam Minister."

"Which destination airport, Unteroffizier?"

"Kiel, Madam Minister!"

"Unteroffizier, do you actually watch TV?"

"Not on duty, Madam Minister."

"But you should, Unteroffizier I can tell you where your Transall is. Not in Kiel but in Kiev! And the crew is just parade through the city."

"Kiev, Madam Minister? Damn it, there must have been some bag rat - excuse me, Madam Minister! - typed the flight order! Kiev spelled almost exactly the same as Kiel."

"Because of "almost exactly the same" wars have already broken out, Unteroffizier Eckenbrecher! And governments overthrown! And Unteroffiziers demoted to corporals ...! "

"Orders, Madam Minister ...?"

"Tell your commander, I demand that this mess be fixed! As soon as possible! Until yesterday! Execution report to me personally! End!"

"Yes, Madam Minister! To you personally ..."

Annegret Kramp-Karrenbauer hangs up the phone with trembling hands.

"Whoa! What a day!"

But before the adjutant can utter a word, a gesture of sympathy, there is a knock on the door.

"C'me-in!"

A telecommunications private enters the ministerial office and builds jagged men!

"Telex for Madam Minister, Madam Minister!"

"Give it to me already!" - With these words, Lieutenant Colonel Schulz takes the paper. The private trudges off in a hurry.

"Read aloud, Schulz!"

"I report that the island of Bali has been occupied by a coup d'état as ordered and secured by military means! The island is firmly in our hands. Please for further orders. Signature: Colonel Kempner, Paratrooper Battalion 251."

"Bali ...?" the minister croaks tonelessly ...

"What on earth do we want in Bali? That's in Thailand, isn't it ...?"

"Exactly, Madam Minister. Or rather almost. Namely in Indonesia."

"Indonesia! We're finished, Schulz."

"Didn't Madam Minister yesterday order the implementation of a NATO operation for stabilization?"

"But yes! But in Mali, not in Bali ..."

An hour and a half later, the federal government fell and Minister Kramp Karrenbauer was arrested for waging a war of aggression at the request of the Attorney General and taken to custody.

Meanwhile, the 23-year-old civilian assistant typist Melanie Kiesewetter wakes up in Dietrich-Bonhöfer-Straße No. 16 not far from Hardthöhe and stretches with pleasure.

Her friend is already awake.

"Good morning, dearest, it got late yesterday. But now tell me, how was your first day at work?"

"Actually quite good. The colleagues are nice, only the writing technique is a bit out of date."

"And what do you have to do all day?"

"Oh, nothing bad. I just have to type commands into the telex. The only problem is the many names. I've always made mistakes ... "

"Sounds good, dearest. I'll make breakfast for us first ..."